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Reflection About Love

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When I was in high school I became obsessed with the idea of love. I always though love was a perfect relationship with a perfect boy like in the movies. I fell in love with the idea of love so I guess you could call me a hopeless romantic. It wasn’t until my senior year when I truly understood the difference between love and infatuation. That difference was work. Being a hard worker and a hopeless romantic, I was more than determined to make my relationships work. I always thought I could make any relationship into the perfect relationship. Let me shatter that illusion for you right now.. The perfect relationship doesn’t exist; but I didn’t know that yet.
My first real love was with the boy who I thought I’d always be with. In the past
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I decided to seek help to control my overwhelming anxiety. I felt crazy, like I wasn’t even a real person anymore. As someone who has dealt with depression before, I didn’t want to go even farther down the road I was already heading so I took care of myself. I saw a doctor, I took my medication, I finally did what I wanted to do -without him. I started putting more energy into myself and grew stronger and stronger. I spent so much time thinking about the things I could work on and ignored the things he was working on; which in retrospect, was literally nothing.
All I ever wanted was for him to accept my flaws like I did for him. I wanted him to know and be okay with the fact that I was insecure. I waited and waited for him to just look me in the eye and tell me he loved me and that he’d always be there for me… he never did that. He never even tried and that’s when I realised what I was doing wrong. I was making excuses for him because I was genuinely in denial. Finally, I got to a point where I asked myself “What am I doing? I need someone who can love me the way I deserve to be loved.” In that moment, for the first time ever, I thought maybe that wasn’t him. I realised that I had put all my effort into loving him because I didn’t know how to love myself. I made a promise that it was time for me to love myself, like really love myself.
I remember my mum telling me “Darling, you deserve it all. You deserve love and peace and magic
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