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Perfectionism

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Can You Live Up to Your Own Standards?
I toss and turn all night. All I am thinking about is the “if only I had not procrastinated”, but there is no use focusing on that now, it does not help. I think about all the assignments I have put off all semester because my anxiety of failing at something. It’s not like I hadn’t been to class and paid attention, but I worried I would not measure up to my own high standards, so I ignored them. I laid there dreaming that my professor would just disappear. Maybe he gets kidnapped by Somali pirates, or abducted by aliens, or maybe he shows up to class wearing a sombrero yelling “everyone gets an A and here’s some cake!” while throwing confetti. I can dream. I know when my alarm goes off I will be
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But as the semester went on, I started feeling lost. I thought I knew what the teacher was saying. I participated in the class and took notes, but I began to feel numb. I did not know what I was doing. I had lost my confidence and the thought haunted me. The first draft deadline came and went. I freaked out because I thought I would lose points for not turning in my first draft in on time. I frantically emailed my professor because he never really mentioned deadlines in class and I was worried that I had missed something. He emailed back: “Do not worry about the essay being late. There's no grade penalty. On Blackboard, all first draft deadlines are listed on the Class Schedule. The assignments themselves also have the deadlines listed.” I checked the deadlines online and I was so relieved. I only had to turn in the final essays at the end of the semester. This was perfect for me because by the end of the semester I felt I would be ready to sit down and write the essays. As time went by, I tried sitting down a couple times to start my essays. There were four due, I knew that I did not want to be a week out from turning them in and be panicking to finish them. As I stared at my computer screen, I just could not find the right words. Everything seemed wrong. I felt I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing and I just could not handle not doing the assignment right the first time. I knew I had time, so I avoided doing them. If I could not sit down
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