EDCO 806 Discussion week 3

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Differentiate marital myths from facts about marriage. Consider biblical worldview in your response. For this post, I chose to address three marital myths that many couples believe prior to marriage and expect them to be true in their marriages. I will then compare them with the actual facts of marriage supported by a biblical worldview. Myth 1: All you need is love. This myth is common among young, previously unmarried couples (Van Epp & Cutlip, 2019). Couples can fall into a false, romanticized notion that if they have true love and their relationship is healthy, they will not have to work at keeping emotions of love strong (Van Epp & Cutlip, 2019). The truth is that marriages take much more than an emotional connection. They experience times of imbalance and conflict. These time are not abnormal and should be expected (Van Epp & Cutlip, 2019). What is important is that individuals are willing to work through these times together. When they do, they often discover that they feel closer, and their relationship is actually stronger than it was previously. This concept is found in scripture. “ Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope” ( New International Version, 2011, Romans 5:3-4). It is also exemplified for us in the main theme of scripture, that God reconciled us back to Himself through the suffering and death of His own Son ( New International Version, 2011, 2 Corinthians 5:19). Now we are no longer simply His creation, we are His sons and daughters ( New International Version, 2011, John 1:12). Unfortunately, too often we mistake trials as character deficiencies and not opportunities for growth (Crenshaw, 2020). Couples can get caught in a cycle of blaming and resentment, which is often at best unproductive, rather than using the situation to assess where they are out of balance and adjusting accordingly (Van Epp & Cutlip, 2019). Myth 2: Cohabitation has better prepared me for marriage. I have had many couples hesitant to engage in premarital work, a requirement at our church for those wanting to be married at one of our locations or by one of our pastors, because they have perceived it as an unnecessary annoyance. They believe that although they see the value of premarital counseling for most couples, their love is particularly special and they know everything about each other. Often these couples have been cohabitating for a while and believe that this has better prepared them for marriage. Research demonstrates the opposite. In fact, cohabitating arrangements break up five times more than marriages end in divorce (Van Epp & De Gance, 2021). Further, a meta-study on cohabitation concluded that it was generally associated with negative outcomes both in marital quality and stability (Jose et al., 2010). In fact, cohabitation has become

known as a major predictor for divorce (Raley & Sweeney, 2020). A main difference between a cohabitating arrangement and marriage is found in the biblical precedent of covenant. The covenant of marriage is basically that each spouse is promising themselves, in whole, to the other as long as they both shall live. Jesus affirms this principle when asked about divorce. Rather than directly answering what is permissible, He defines marriage saying, “for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” ( New International Version, 2011, Mark 10:7-9). Cohabitation does not have the security of marriage. It seeks to protect the individual, not the marriage. This is not God’s design and therefore not best for the individuals, couple, nor humanity. Myth 3: After divorcing my ex, I am now going to have a much better marriage because I know what I am looking for. A cursory review of this week’s course materials on family of origin (FOO) issues should be sufficient to dispel this myth. However, there are those who can easily identify the mistakes and character flaws of their spouse without accepting any responsibility for themselves. I want to be careful not to place blame on those who have been abused, neglected, or cheated on. I am not speaking specifically to these cases, and I believe that divorce can be a mercy God provides for those in those situations (Instone-Brewer, 2003). I am rather describing couples who minimize their past relationships effect on their present one. Research shows that more often than marriage, remarriage ends in divorce (Raley and Sweeney, 2020). Couples should be educated about these facts and part of the remarriage counseling process should include the question of, “Why will this marriage be different?” Remarriage is not necessarily doomed. In fact, the idea of overcoming adversity and suffering to produce character and become stronger has been evidenced in our marriage ministry at our church. We have a number of couples who experienced divorce, received healing through counseling, DivorceCare, or other ministries and have now been in a healthy and abundant marriage for decades. Some of these are even marriage mentors in our congregation. The myth is that one learns by having the experience, the truth is that in order to overcome these tragic experiences one must acknowledge responsibility for the good and the bad in life, take guidance and constructive criticism, and creates goals for him/herself while actively trying to realize those goals (Ben-David, 2020). Resources Ben-David, S. (2020). From Victim to Survivor to Overcomer. In J. Joseph & S. Jergenson (Eds.), An International Perspective on Contemporary Developments in Victimology: A Festschrift in Honor of Marc Groenhuijsen (pp. 21–30). Springer International

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